Valley Girl Dharma: A Play in Three Acts

Valley Girl Dharma

Act One: Buddha
Setting: High school hallway, next to a pair of open lockers.
Cast: VG1 = Valley Girl One
VG2= Valley Girl Two

VG1: Like what … is that?

VG2: A book. Like duh! What do you think it is?

VG1: You don’t have to be a bitch about it. I mean, what is it about?

VG2: Some old dude named Buddha.

VG1: Like, oh my God, you’re such a perv.

VG2: Am not!

VG1: Am too.

VG2: What-ever! As if you would even know…

VG1: Girl, are you for real?

VG2: You have, like, no idea.

VG1: What’s that suppose to mean?

VG2: This Buddha dude was totally bitchin.’

VG1: As if!

VG2: Like think about it. You’re always trying to get Johnny to like you, right?

VG1: Mmmm, Johnny. He’s like so hot!

VG2: Yeah, but like, he’s almost too hot. I mean, really, like any girl that tries just gets burned.

VG1: What, you don’t think I’m pretty enough? As if…

VG2: You’re totally hot. Duh! But it doesn’t matter.

VG1: What’s that suppose to mean?

VG2: Johnny is like uncatchable. He’s like real, but not real at the same time.

VG1: Totally.

VG2: And yet you still chase after him.

VG1: Like oh my God!

VG2: See, this Buddha dude says that’s kind of stupid.

VG1: Shut up!

VG2: Like really, girl, you’re like hopeless.

VG1: Am not!

VG2: Like seriously, girl, when you catch Johnny, you come over and show me.

VG1: As if … perv!

VG2: You’ll never catch Johnny because there is no Johnny to catch.

VG1: Honestly, girl, you talk crazy sometimes.

Act Two: Dharma
Setting: College Dorm Room.
Cast: VG1, VG2, Johnny
Stage Direction: VG1 is just returning home. VG2 is doing meditation next to her bed.

VG1: Party! Party! … Like, I so love college. Don’t you Johnny?

Johnny: Way.

VG1: Like, what is she doing?

Johnny: Gnarly.

VG2: Will you two like quiet down already.

VG1: What-everrr!

VG2: I’m like totally gonna get pissed.

VG1: Like, what-ever girl. You’re such a tool!

VG2: As if …

Johnny: Cat fight. Bitchin.’

VG1: Why don't you ever defend me?

Johnny: _______ (Blank stare. Sound of crickets.)

VG2: I was so totally doing zazen until you two messed it up.

VG1: Huh?!

VG2: Zazen. Like really, girl … maybe if you weren’t so busy bitchen with Johnny…

VG1: Like wow, you’re such a bitch!

VG2: What-everrr! While you’re out with Mr. Too Perfect there, I’m studying myself so I can forget myself.

VG1: You so have to share the shit you’re smoking.

VG2: That’s incense, girl. Like get with the program already.

VG1: Comeon Johnny! Let’s leave Miss Smarty Pants to herself.

VG2: Like, finally.

Act Three: Sangha
Setting: Big Mind Zen Center, Salt Lake City, Utah
Cast: VG1, VG2, Johnny, Greeter, TV Screen Genpo Roshi

VG1: Like where are we?

VG2: Like totally awesome! Big Mind Zen Center!

VG1: Like, this is supposed to be like a road trip. Like fun, you know. I’m not doing some Karate Kid shit.

VG2: You have … like no idea.

VG1: As if…

Greeter: Hi! Welcome to Big Mind Zen Center. Is this your first time visiting?

VG1: Like, oh my God!

VG2: Yes, we’re like from California.

Greeter: That’s great. Do you have any experience with meditation?

VG1: Like, I’m so out…

VG2: Yes, I’ve been totally sitting zazen in my dorm room.

Greeter. That’s great. Do you know our teacher, Genpo Roshi?

VG1: Genpo what?

VG2: No, but I’m sure he’s way cool, right?

Greeter: Yes … I think. Anyway, you’re in luck. We are having a Big Mind workshop this weekend with a live feed from Genpo Roshi. Here is a brochure with our donation guidelines, and instructions on how to do Big Mind.

VG1: Is this like where they film Sesame Street or something?

VG2: As if … like, shut up already. Let’s go in.

Johnny: Word!

VG1: Like look at this place. It’s like all big and shit!

VG2: This is so totally way cool!

Greeter: Please be seated. The talk is about to begin.

VG1: Wow! That’s like the biggest TV I have ever seen.

VG2: I know right?

VG1: It’s like way bigger than the one in the Student Center.

TV Screen Genpo Roshi: Welcome to Big Mind Zen Center.

VG1: He’s like a total geezer…

VG2: Like, you know, you’re so impossible sometimes.

TV Screen Genpo Roshi: The Big Mind Teachings you are about to learn are designed for people like you, living in the modern world.

VG1: Like what is he talking about?

TV Screen Genpo Roshi: These teachings are aimed at helping you illuminate your True Nature …

VG2: Like way, way cool!

TV Screen Genpo Roshi: My only desire is to help everyone to realize an awakened life of wisdom and compassion.

VG1: We drove like all the way across the desert for this?

TV Screen Genpo Roshi: At this time, I would like you to turn to your donation brochure and please consider how much you can give to continue the life-changing work of Big Mind.

VG2: Donation brochure?

VG1: Yeah, like they want money.

VG2: As if…

VG1: Totally!

VG2: Like, we haven’t even gone shopping yet…

VG1: I was like so totally right. But no, you had to go all Mr. Miyagi on us.

VG2: Yeah, this is like kinda lame.

VG1: Comeon. Let’s go. I want to find the mall before it like gets too dark out.

Johnny: Bitchin.’

VG1: Johnny, will you like buy me a new dress?

Johnny: _______

VG1: Please!!!

Johnny: ______ (Blinks.)

VG1: Like oh my God! Do you even love me?

(Curtain falls)